I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
