I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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