i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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