You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
