Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
