Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
