My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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