When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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