When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
