Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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