I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
