You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
