The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
