smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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