i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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