Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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