Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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