dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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