I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
