So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i think i just lost a toe
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
