FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I have aggressive nipples.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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