hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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