i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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