any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
