I look better un-naked...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
