youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
