He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
