I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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