Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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