Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
