Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Send help, water and tortillas.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
