I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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