Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
