I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
