we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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