in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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