I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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