dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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