My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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