Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
