just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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