I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
