if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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