Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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