got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
