I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
