remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will be naked everywhere
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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