Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
