I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
