I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
