I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
