i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
