this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
